New Year’s List of Impossible Wishes

I do not make New Year’s Resolutions.  I certainly have many areas that could use some improving, so that is not the issue.  The issue has more to deal with there being one certain day when we are all to decide to be or do better.  I am just not inspired by some fat little diaper-clad New Year’s baby suggesting that I lose fifteen pounds or spend my lunch hour power walking.  I want to be a better person, but no more on January 1st than on August 12th.  On the other hand, I can always come up with a list of wishes.  So I am giving you part of my list of impossible wishes.  It is an ever-evolving list.  I am sure that many of you have some of the same wishes.  And while they will never come to be, they are delightfully fun to think about!

Impossible Wish #1: I want a dishwasher that takes my dirty dishes from the sink, washes and dries them, and then returns them to the correct cabinets.  (If you are a non-parent, you might be thinking that this is what my children should be doing.  If you are, I have a later wish that is especially for you.)  I have trained my family to get their dishes to the sink.  That is as close to the dishwasher as I can get them to go.  Yes, I am a highly educated person who works in the field of education.  That background only goes so far in one’s home.  I have explained how the process of loading a dishwasher works using simple words.  I have modeled it.  Repeatedly.  I can get them to do it for short periods, but never consistently.  There is clearly some sort of brain barrier that I cannot cross.  It is more scientifically probable that someone will create a dishwasher that loads and unloads itself.  I am wishing for that.

Impossible Wish #2: I wish that grocery store shoppers would be given a rating that dictated when they could shop.  For example, 1s could shop on Mondays, 2s on Tuesdays, etc.  The rating would be given based on the number of annoying shopping behaviors the shopper exhibits on the average shopping trip.  These habits would include, but are not limited to,  the following:

1. pushing your cart smack dab down the middle of the parking lot aisle, causing traffic to stop in both directions
2. randomly stopping your cart in the aisle to check your list, your phone, or just to stare into space while traffic backs up behind you
3. parking your cart on one side of the aisle, while standing on the other side of the aisle to read the entire label of an item, blocking traffic in both directions
4. talking on your cell phone throughout the store while shopping, causing the entire store to hear every detail of Aunt Bertha’s gall bladder surgery
5. planning your 1983 class reunion with two of your classmates right in front of the dairy case at 5:15 P.M.
6. going through the self-checkout when you clearly have never watched a salesclerk perform this procedure before
7. parking your cart diagonally in the aisle, blocking it in both directions, and then wandering off and leaving it

For every behavior shown, the shopper receives a higher rating.  Shoppers of the same rating are forced to shop together.  So all of the 7s can just enjoy each other for the five hours it takes them to get their shopping finished.

Impossible Wish #3: I wish for a magic button that opens a floor trap that I can press whenever someone says something highly offensive.  I don’t want them to fall into a fiery pit or a dungeon with a lion or anything.  It can be a soft landing with a big pillow- more of a time out.  Time to reflect on their words and maybe do some professional reading.  For example, if I am doing professional development and a teacher says something about his/her students not be able to achieve at high levels due to their current living situations, I would press the button and the teacher would simply disappear for a while.  He/she could sit comfortably and read some of the many articles that clearly dispute his/her claim.  Or, if my husband came into the kitchen and looked at my soup simmering on the stove and asked, “Is that my mom’s recipe? It looks funny.” Zap.  Into time out he would go.  He would need to reflect on the many, many conversations we have had about thinking before he opens his mouth.  The time out spot would need to be fairly large.  Large enough for vehicles.  A few times I have been in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru and a person has not followed the carefully laid out directions for lane merging. The drive-thru at Chick-fil-A is a well-oiled machine.  It is beautiful to behold.  When Hailey tells me to merge behind the gray Tahoe, I am fully prepared to do so.  But then the blue Rogue noses her way in front of me and ruins the  entire flow!  She would get the button for sure.  She would go to time out and then the very back of the line.  When Hailey gives directions, you shall listen.  It is NOT my pleasure to serve the blue Rogue. Not my pleasure at all.

Impossible Wish #4: I wish all children everywhere had adults who would read to them everyday.  I wish all children could cuddle up in warm laps and listen to wonderful, rich stories with beautiful illustrations and just get lost in the books.  I wish they could all talk about the books and laugh about the books and cry over the books.  Would this solve all of the world’s problems?  No.  But it would fix a lot of them in time.

Those are some of my impossible wishes.  They won’t ever happen, but they are fun for me.  I hope the new year brings you delight and joy.