I have had this quote, or one very similar to it, in my office for the past fifteen years or so. It is not on display for others to see, but tucked in a corner where I can see it. It serves as a reminder to me that everyone deserves kindness, not just the ones who clearly could use a little kindness.
It would seem that this time of year would bring out the best in people. I don’t know about you, but I find it to be just the opposite. Some folks just don’t seem to have very jolly holly. I don’t really think they even have real holly. I think they might actually have a rather persistent case of poison ivy in their nether regions. They make it difficult to be kind. I went to the grocery store the day after Thanksgiving, which was a calculated risk. I could easily have ordered pick-up, but I am a tad particular and I like to select my own foods. Sometimes I pay a high price for thumping my own melons and checking my own expiration dates. Friday was one of those times. I try to adhere to the CDC guidelines as best I can. I wear my mask, I have at least fifteen coats of hand sanitizer on my hands by the time I return home, and I stay as far away from people as I can manage. I was socially distancing before it was a thing. Nothing is more annoying than having somebody’s buggy bumping you in the rump as you unload your purchases. Well, I must have been just a magnetic force as I made my way down the aisles Friday. No one could stay away! If I went toward the milk, someone else smushed right up next to me like we were going to chug from the same carton. If I leaned over to grab shredded cheese, someone else buddied right up beside me to grab off the same rack. When I finally went to check out, where there are big blue circles to stand on to help us stay six feet apart, the woman behind me stood so close I assumed she wanted me to pluck her eyebrows while we waited for my credit card to process. These folks were in a hurry. I was standing between them and a fire, I think. It was hard for me to think kind thoughts. Obviously I WAS kind, they could have been ax murderers and I don’t have a death wish. But I tried to remember that they might have very good reasons for acting in a way I found difficult.
These people were the holiday grouches. They get all grouchy with the hustle and bustle. But what about the perpetual grumps? You know, those people who live to be dissatisfied? The ones who have never had a good day in their entire lives? I bet you can envision at least one or two people in your head as I describe this type of person. You cannot outdo their unhappiness. If you tell them about your rough morning, theirs is always worse plus they were delayed by a herd of wild buffalo crossing the road on their way to work. If you mention that you have a headache, they have had a chronic headache for ten years and they have lost all feeling in seven of their fingers and two of their toes. If you have a fender bender, they once had a head-on collision with an airplane on the interstate. Being grumpy is their greatest delight. It is very clear that they need some kindness. Something is not right with them.
Whether it is holiday grumps or perpetual grouches, we sense and feel that these people need our kindness. It may be extremely difficult to give it, but we know they do need it. But what about the people who are always smiling and happy and kind themselves? Anybody who can look so happy on the outside must be that happy on the inside, right? Wrong. I’m asking you not to give away all your kindness to the people who obviously look like they need it. Everyone deserves kindness. And sometimes the ones who need it the most will not look like they need it at all.
There are many people among us who are very broken inside, but who are very good at hiding it. Each person has his or her own unique story about how and why, and each has learned to cope by putting on an elaborate show every day that becomes a way of life. These shows can last for years, decades even. I know, because this is the way I lived for a very long time. If I was happy, everyone knew it. And if I was sad, everyone thought I was happy. If I was mad, everyone still thought I was happy. To be completely honest, most people still probably won’t know if I am anything other than happy. Change is so hard. In the past, if someone was unkind to me, I would brush it off on the outside. I would pretend it didn’t bother me. But on the inside, I felt I deserved to be treated unkindly. It added to the pile of reasons I had to suffer in silence. I was not a person in isolation. I had many family members and friends who would have gladly helped me if I had only spoken up and asked for help earlier. But I couldn’t. I was ashamed. I also thought I deserved to feel the way I did because I was an unworthy person. I am not going to go into the reasons why I felt this way, because I do not believe the internet is the appropriate place to share one’s entire life history. (I’m saving that for daytime television.) But I treasured people who were kind to me, and I still do. There were times when someone would leave me a little note on my desk and it would keep me going for days and days. The thought that someone actually thought about me when I wasn’t there and cared enough to write me a note was mind blowing to me. I wrote notes to other people all the time, but I couldn’t believe someone would do it for me. It was a simple act, but it meant the world to me.
So please, be kind to the kind people. They may really be happy and they may be pretending. We don’t know, but they will appreciate the kindness either way. You never know what is behind someone’s smile. Do something kind for someone so that he/she has something genuine to smile about!
