Dipping From an Empty Bucket

I can’t  really pinpoint the exact time when I lost myself.  I expect it happened slowly over time.  It never really occurred to me that “I” didn’t exist anymore until my therapist asked me  what I wanted people to remember about me.  Of course, I wanted people to remember that I had been a good mom.  And I hoped that people  would think I had been a good teacher.  Was that enough?  Was being a mom and a teacher really all there was to me?  I didn’t think so, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything else worth noting.  In not so many years, my children would be grown and I would be retired.  What then?  Would I be nothing?  How had I gotten to this place?

Someone on the outside might say that I should have taken more time for myself when my kids were younger.  I can see that point.  But it really wasn’t a matter of time.  Time is finite you see.  We each have only 24 hours a day to spend.  Once those are gone, we are done.  I could not overspend my time.  I had to work and I had to sleep, so there had to be some balance.

The best way I know how to explain what happened to me is to use an analogy.  Let’s say that we put all of our built up love, patience, kindness, joy, generosity, compassion, empathy, and service into a bucket.  And every time we help another person, we dip out of the bucket.  We dip and dip into our buckets.  Eventually our buckets start to get a little empty. Well, that’s okay!  They are refillable.  Family and friends fill them up for us.  They offer us kind words, they console us, they help us.  And our buckets fill right back up and are ready for more dipping.  I know what you’re thinking.  Shannon- you did not make up this analogy.  I have been talking to my kids about being bucket fillers for ten years.  You’re a fraud.  Bear with me here.  I’m going somewhere with this!

I couldn’t let my bucket get filled back up.  I have been dipping into an empty bucket for YEARS.  I have offered support when I couldn’t accept support.  I have given comfort when I couldn’t ask for comfort.  I have shown compassion while hiding all of my own problems.   It was not that I didn’t have people around me who would have gladly filled my bucket.  I am surrounded by wonderful people.  I would not let them fill up my bucket.  I couldn’t ask for support or help.  Why?  Actually, after lots of therapy I now know why.  I am not ready to share that just yet.  But I will say that I felt that I did not deserve help or support and I was too ashamed to tell anyone.  I just kept dipping and dipping into that empty bucket.  And the more I dipped, the more lost I became.

To find myself, I have to let my bucket fill back up.  Wow, that has been excruciating.  I’m still working on it.  I have had to open up and tell people how I feel and actually let them help me.  And be okay with that.  I have been the helper since I was little.  Being on the receiving end is very different.  My mind completely understands why this is important and what I need to do.  But I still struggle with the deserving part.  I would tell every single one of you that you deserve a full bucket.  I would go to any lengths to help you fill yours, and I would do it gladly.  Of course you deserve it!  How silly!  Everyone deserves to be helped and loved and treated with compassion.  But do I?  It is such a mental block for me.  Trauma is difficult to overcome.  But I am so much better.  My bucket is slowly filling.

So how do I want to be remembered?  I want to be remembered as someone who really cared about other people. I want to be remembered as someone who brought light and laughter to lives.  I want to be remembered as someone who struggled but used those struggles to help others.  I want to be remembered as someone who dipped from a full bucket.